


Even the Queen

by MrsHamill



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Humor, Other, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-22
Updated: 2007-09-22
Packaged: 2018-05-21 12:18:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6051367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Men can be really, really dumb about women and isn't that great?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even the Queen

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little crackfic that came out of some idle speculation. Inspired by Connie Willis' story of the same name. As Liz pointed out in her quickie beta, this is something of a biological improbability, but it's still amusing to poke fun at the Poor, Clueless Guys of Atlantis.

John Sheppard was innocently playing Spider Solitaire on his laptop in his office when his appointment calendar popped up with a reminder. One word, all caps.

TOMORROW.

Blanching, John froze briefly before his fingers leapt into action.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:31:28  
FROM: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: TOMORROW

How the hellh as it been a month already? Chirst, we didn't have a Dedalas run in between! What's our chocolate stash look like? MOVE IT, People!

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:36:03  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Relax, Colonel. I've got chocolate covered.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:40:44  
FROM: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

WHat do you mean you have it covered?

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:40:47  
FROM: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: jshep@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

THAT TOBLERONE IS MINE, MCKAY!

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:42:09  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: jshep@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

So you'd rather have to deal with Simpson without it for the next few days?

May I remind you: CRYING.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:43:39  
FROM: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Relax doc, we don't need all of it. Besides, we've got other stuff. Rihgt, MAJOR?

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:44:02  
FROM: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: jshep@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

I WILL GIVE UP ONE POUND, NO MOR.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:45:19  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: jshep@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Fine. Whatever.

Quit shouting.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:45:22  
FROM: elorne@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; jshep@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

My mom sent me those!

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:46:02  
FROM: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: elorne@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Tough. You know the agreement on your first tour. Woudl you really rather deal with a Elizabeth without it? She's got cleats, Major.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:46:09  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: elorne@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: jshep@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

My heart bleeds. Only not really. Life sucks and we all have sacrifices to make.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:47:33  
FROM: elorne@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: jshep@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Yeah, right. Some of us more than others.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:48:04  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: elorne@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: jshep@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Oh, just get over it. This is for the greater good and you know it, quit whining. And I always contribute the most anyway.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:48:52  
FROM: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: jshep@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW 

You do NOT, mcKay.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:49:01  
FROM: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

SO NOT TRUE.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:49:58  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: jshep@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

BITE ME.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:51:34  
FROM: rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

I have chocolate. What else?

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:52:09  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

You have CHOCOLATE? Since when? Is it that fake shit the Genii make?

Beer works too. Do you have any of the good Belkan stuff left?

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:53:22  
FROM: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

You are so full of shit, McKay.

How much, Ronon?

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:54:56  
FROM: rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

One tal. Its from Honeri. I have five drams of Belkan ale.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:55:52  
FROM: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

How much is a tal? Can you put it all in the kitty?

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:56:49  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rdex@atl.sgc.gov; jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov;  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

OH MY GOD it's the fudge stuff from P9Y-545. You have a pound and a half? BASTARD. You are a bastard for not sharing with your team.

I'm throwing in five Hershey's Dark bars, a half-pound bag of Hershey Kisses, and two pounder bags of M&Ms, one each kind. I would throw in the twelve pack of Molson EXCEPT SOME ASSHOLE DRANK IT ALL.

What's our tally, oh fearless leader who hasn't made a single contribution yet?

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:58:57  
FROM: rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Was saving it for a special thing.

Kitty?

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 15:59:25  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

He meant can you put it all in or do you need to keep any? Quit using Earth-centric words around Conan, you jerk.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:00:55  
FROM: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Shut the fuck up, McKay. And you drank more than half.

We have:

> five Hershey's Dark bars, a bag of Hershey Kisses, and two bags of M&Ms, one each kind.  
> I WILL GIVE UP ONE POUND, NO MOR. Tobellron  
2 box of brownie mix (you still have oen, Major)  
chocolate fudge stuff from that planet with the dogs and some Belkan ale  
2 bags mixed chocolate bars for hallowen and three giant nestlee crunch bars.

Is that enough?

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:03:05  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

It had better be. And I want to know how you got Halloween candy out here (and why you didn't tell me). If the Daedalus doesn't bring us a lot more, we're going to be screwed next month, so we'd better put in a big order ASAP.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:05:12  
FROM: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

In your dreams, Mckay. I put in an order yesterday. for COORS.

Radek, you take care of the scientists except med. Rodney, you take the med staff. Evan, you and Ronon take mariens and Teyla. I'll take care of Elizabeth.

Questions?

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:07:33  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Okay, okay. Don't be so damn obvious this time, Zelenka.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:08:02  
FROM: elorne@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Fine. Meet me before breakfast in the mess, Ronon.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:08:57  
FROM: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov; jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

SAys the man with the grace of a waltsing hippo.

You shuold take Toblerone to Elizabeth. Stop on your way home today.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:09:04  
FROM: rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

OK

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:09:52  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; jshep@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Speak for yourself, shorty.

WHY oh WHY do we have to go through this every fucking month?!?!

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:11:45  
FROM: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

You know why, McKay. Carson explained the whole syncronozation of cycles thing to us YEARS ago. Its not like its our fault every woman in ATlantis gets PMS all at once but at laest he told us how to handle it.

I'll see you at 1900, Doc.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:12:01  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

That was a RHETORICAL question, asshole. 

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:14:39  
FROM: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; jshep@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

It could be worst. Rodney could be having period.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:15:58  
FROM: jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rmckay@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

Jesus. Way to give a guy a heart attack.

Wait. Isn't he always?

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:16:07  
FROM: elorne@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: jshep@atl.sgc.gov; rmckay@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

You made me spit tea on my keyboard.

* * *

TIMESTAMP network server 16:20:09  
FROM: rmckay@atl.sgc.gov  
TO: rzelenka@atl.sgc.gov; jshep@atl.sgc.gov  
CC: elorne@atl.sgc.gov; rdex@atl.sgc.gov  
SUBJECT: Re: TOMORROW

HAR HAR. You clowns slay me.

* * *

By the time Jennifer Keller got to Elizabeth's apartment, the party was in full swing. There was booze and chocolate everywhere and the unmistakable odor of fresh-baked brownies assaulted her the moment the door was opened. She began salivating -- she hadn't had brownies in ages.

She was waved in, given a plate and told to go graze. There was everything a woman could want in Elizabeth's quarters, from brownies to some kind of fudge to a huge bar of Toblerone chocolate, direct from Switzerland, if the label was to be believed. There were drinks of various kinds, some of which she knew were alcoholic. She picked up a cup of a rich, golden brew and took a sip -- alcohol, kind of like beer but sweeter, and it didn't smell or taste very strong.

Elizabeth and Carol Simpson were waiting for her when she turned. "Your first time!" Carol said, grinning maniacally. 

"Yeah, umm... is it always like this?" Jennifer asked, her eyes wide.

"Not always, though sometimes it's even better," Elizabeth said, laughing. "Come on, sit down."

There were little knots of women all over the large suite, playing cards, talking, laughing and eating chocolate: provided by men, for _free_. "Okay, I'm a believer. Tell me how all this started. Surely Carson knew about the treatment?"

"He knew," Elizabeth replied with a sad little sigh. Everyone still missed Carson, Jennifer most of all, she thought. "He was the only guy who did. Our first year here was pretty rough, but you knew that."

Jennifer nodded. "I've read a lot of the mission reports. I'm not sure I could have done what you did, and with less than a hundred people."

"There are times even today when I wonder how we managed to stay alive," Carol said, giving Elizabeth a look. "It was scary."

"When we weren't fighting for our lives, we were dealing with Atlantis men who have a tendency to be..." Elizabeth trailed off and shared a grin with Carol. "A bit on the hyper-testosterone side?" Several women in earshot laughed. "Edith Biro was the one to find the reference, about two months into our first year," Elizabeth continued. "Here, have a brownie before they disappear."

"Thanks!" Jennifer took a bite and hummed in appreciation.

"Anyway, she brought the reference in the database to me for translation, and once I puzzled it out, I took it to Carson." Elizabeth had a tall glass of white wine she sipped from before continuing. "It was pretty clear and succinct--"

"Unlike usual!" Carol interjected with a laugh.

Elizabeth laughed as well. "I think it's been the _only_ thing that was so perfectly understandable! Several of us volunteered to be guinea pigs and Carson monitored us very carefully. You've had your first treatment; how do you feel?"

"I can't _believe_ how good I feel," Jennifer said emphatically. "No period, no bloating, no PMS, no cramps... it's almost too good to be true!"

"That's the way we felt for a while," Carol said, nodding. "Everything was going so _wrong_... to have something be so spectacularly _right_ was amazing."

"As a doctor, you know about the whole synchronization of menstrual cycles in groups of women," Elizabeth asked and Jennifer nodded. "We were sharing pretty close quarters in the early days, a little too close... at least it felt like it. By the time we decided the treatment was safe, most of us were pretty much on the same cycle. You can guess how the male contingent felt about being around forty-seven women all hitting PMS at approximately the same time." Elizabeth's grin was impish and infectious; Jennifer found herself mirroring it.

"Carson explained about all the mood swings and the other lovely things we have to go through to John and Rodney, Radek, Bates, a few other men," Carol said, taking up the tale. "Which is when the chocolate party started. Once a month or so, the men would just get so..." She looked at Elizabeth, obviously hunting for the right word.

"Solicitous?" Elizabeth asked with a chuckle.

"That'll do it. It became Pavlovian, almost like an automatic response and I'm not too proud to say we all took advantage of it. And, of course, once we began taking the treatment, all of the symptoms went away."

"Not that we told them that!" Elizabeth said. "Carson was privy to it, of course, but he kept his mouth shut. Did you know he had four sisters? He said he knew better than to leak the news. It's gotten a little out of hand since then--"

"No it hasn't!" several women yelled.

"--And it's not like we have the time to do it every month, like clockwork." 

"No, too many other things taking precedence too often, though it gives us a reason to have a monthly party when we can," Carol agreed with a sigh. "But the chocolate is good and face it, we deserve it for putting up with these guys!" 

Jennifer had read the material on the treatment, but had to ask... "There're no after-effects, no side-effects?"

Edith Biro was standing close enough to overhear. "No, nothing. We were all tested once we returned to Earth to make sure we returned to 'normal.'"

"Janice Felter got pregnant within a week of returning to Earth," Elizabeth said, nodding. "We haven't even told SGC, though Dr. Lam at Cheyenne Mountain knows about it. She administers the treatment to a select few women, known for their ability to keep their mouths shut."

Carol raised her glass of wine. "To the Ancients, who apparently really understood women, unlike the male-dominated society of North American doctors."

"And to the Atlantis men," Edith said loudly. "Long may they remain in ignorance!"

"I'll drink to that," Elizabeth said.

Jennifer raised her cup of (really quite delicious) ale. "I almost feel like a thief, but I think I'll join you in that toast!"

The door to Elizabeth's apartment opened to admit Teyla Emmagan, who was holding two large bags of M&Ms. "Who wanted these frozen?" she asked as she came in.

Jennifer stood and began working her way through the crowd. There was nothing better in life than frozen M&Ms.

end


End file.
